Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Sponch
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.