I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
You Might Also Like
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?