My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Thanks to a fan for this one.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers