“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Twitter fine art
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄