You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
mom had nothing to worry about
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?