I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
You Might Also Like
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”