A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
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[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
bears
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.