tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?