We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.