[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
shit just got real
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING