I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?