Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.