where do you see yourself in five years?
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My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.