brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*