fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
this is how life feels
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…