I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.