Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I want this so bad
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.