Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me too
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93