me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
sensitive skin
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.