5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*