Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what