*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
The Punning Dead.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off