*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I can also cook 😂
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.