It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
🤣🤣🤣
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?