I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.