“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
nature’s most graceful animal
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.