DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Wise advice
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo