Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*