The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes