Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?