I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.