Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.