My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?