‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
wtf is an acronym
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.