Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*