I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
rise and shine we got egg
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
drew a comic about my origin story