Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭