Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
You Might Also Like
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl