wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
You Might Also Like
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
#parenting
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket