For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
You Might Also Like
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.