Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
You Might Also Like
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]