Don’t make me out nice you.
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If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
i wish we could shoplift online
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.