i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
They grow up so quick
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER