He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.