[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Omg 🤣
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.