I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Breaking news:
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell