You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.