I heard many of these stories growing up…. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it鈥檚 still been a year since you鈥檝e cleaned your microwave.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don鈥檛 speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I鈥檓 so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don鈥檛 think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You鈥檙e scaring him.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you鈥檇 just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I鈥檓 trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.