Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
You Might Also Like
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My first son he is wonderful
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year