I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
That’s fair
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd